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I wrote this well over a year ago, but it seems like an appropriate inaugural entry.

I want a blog. (Also a large sewing studio, a big butter and eggs man, and a new drug that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with youuuuu~.)

I read snarky humor blogs fairly regularly, and occasionally I read semi-personal lol-stories-from-my-childhood blogs. I used to read political blogs, too, but they make my brain hurt long term.

I don’t think I’m mean enough to run a straight-up humor blog. I mean, even Regretsy, which is relatively harmless since it’s dedicated to mocking poor crafting skills rather than fundamentally stupid life choices or less popular body types makes me wince occasionally, mostly just when the incisive wit turns into bullet-pointed commentary that takes up half the space of the entry. To me, it takes less than 50 words for humorously sarcastic to start reading like frothing at the mouth. If I ran a crafting blog it would be like “Well, it sure looks like this person made something really dumb! Haha! Not that I’m saying they’re a dumb person. I mean we all have fail days. And actually, now that I look at it, maybe they were going for a sort of vintage-primitive-planned ugliness kind of thing, which I don’t care for but YMMV…”

No one would laugh.

I know I’m not smart enough to run a political blog, not because I don’t have opinions. I totally do, and they’re fairly educated. I just don’t feel like engaging in constant battle with yahoos from all over the internet who either a) think I’m wrong because I am ignorant of some finer point of history that they wrote their thesis in or b) think I’m wrong because they are idiots. When I see heated internet commentary, my second thought (after “trolls or just jackasses?”) is NEVER “I must get me some of that!” Nor is it “Behold, the wonder of the many converging, equally valid points of view! Perhaps we can come to a friendly consensus!” It’s more like “People suck. I think I’ll go play Farmville.”

So if I did write a blog, it would have to be semi-personal stories and charmingly wacky observations on life. This also requires humor, but of a more self-deprecating variety. In past years, I’ve become aware that I’m a fundamentally serious person. I like humor. Other people’s humor, even. But I’m way too sensitive to pathos to enjoy much of what’s treated as hilarious in pop culture (see my craft blog commentary, above). In fiction, I write good dialogue. Snarky dialogue. But that’s a self-contained world over which I have complete control. In the real world, my mental brakes are pretty powerful.

What I really need, though, if I start blogging, is software that can absorb thoughts directly from my brain while I shower in the morning, and put them in a word document for me to edit later for posting. My cleverest 5 minutes of the whole day are when I’m washing my hair. Maybe it’s the scalp massage stimulating my brain through my skull. I come up with story concepts, essay ideas, money-making schemes, witty social commentary, all kinds of great stuff. I think this is partly because I’ve just gotten up, and not only are my mental pathos-brakes slow to jump into effect, but everything I come up with sounds twice as brilliant to me because I’m still drowsy. Who cares? Hoda and Kathie Lee are way funnier when they’ve been drinking. It’s the same principal. When you feel brilliant, your creative output increases because the risk of failure feels lower, and, arguably, the more you create, the more likely you are, statistically, to turn out something good.

Unfortunately, by the time I get out and dry off, my superego has kicked in. So I need this software. However, it needs to be editable before it goes in the internet, because no one wants to read essays interspersed with “Was that mole always there? Gosh, my boobs are tender this morning, guess I’m retaining water.”

Okay, technically, if anyone reads this, that’s what they’ll be reading. And sometimes TMI is funny. YMMV.


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October 2012

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